on loneliness

a while back a friend i met here asked me if it ever gets lonely. i have been thinking about her question ever since, and i have a few thoughts to clear.

it does get… very lonely. i remember i said something about it being fine and enjoying the work, but honestly, it isn’t fine and it is quite upsetting.

i know a lot of people and i speak to a lot of people. i am surely not lacking in words spoken every day. i see many familiar faces and smile back at them. i shake hands with many people and get their contacts. all around, i don’t seem to be lonely.

yet i find it hard to make very close connections with people. i have always valued relationships (both platonically and romantically) where i can be vulnerable and have introspective conversations. i am comfortable sharing my emotions (i like to think i wear my heart on my sleeve), though i am never sure if the other person really cares or even wants to hear about it. it is important to have even just one or two people in my life that i can trust to speak about these things with.

for my entire life i have dreamed of having a “best” friend – a companion to do almost everything with and someone that i could always trust to be by my side. maybe a better word for this is a “sidekick” or “partner in crime”. someone that i will feel no qualms texting or calling about my deepest insecurities or fears (and someone who has no qualms telling me about the same). i know a pair of siblings from high school who seemed to be like that; they are the same age (are they twins?? i dont remember), go to the same college together now, and have always been really close (from what i observed, at least).

i have maybe one friend from high school that is similar to what i described above, but i still filter a lot when talking to him.

i certainly haven’t found anyone close to this at cornell, which makes me a little sad. i do things with people, but there isn’t anyone who i can do everything with. i think even in high school much of my close friends had better/closer friends other than me.

i’ve noticed many of the people i talk to are in their own friend groups (of which they are much closer to). i meet a lot of non-freshmen through my involvement in clubs (actually i feel like i talk to more non-freshmen than freshmen these days). of course all these upperclassmen already have very tight-knit friend groups, so it’s hard/impossible/not realistic to build a closer relationship with.

though, i will say there are some really awesome non-freshmen that i would love to get to know better though i do not know if they feel the same way towards me.

a part of it is probably my fault. i am very busy usually and i feel i could put more effort into actually building stronger friendships if i devoted more time to it.

but yeah idk it kinda sucks

sorry if u actually read through all this :( i hope i will have better blog posts soon. honestly this is just a way for me to clear my head of thoughts. i don’t think anyone even reads these.